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My Father’s Stash

23 January 2012, 8:28 am

Coming soon is my first book, My Father’s Stash.  My Father’s Stash tells the story of my discovery at a young age of my father’s secret porn stash.  I was instantly changed in a profound moment of curiosity and discovery.  Little did I know what lay ahead…

Watch for details of the release at menlivingup.org or on Facebook at “Men Living Up.”


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Father’s Day 2065

17 June 2011, 9:13 am

In today’s news a rare situation was discovered in a local small community.  Authorities, investigating public security cameras in a nearby village, discovered a father playing with his children.  It what one official described as a “rare find,” father, Brian Integ, was recorded laughing with, hugging, and, what authorities believe, was mentoring his young son.

“We haven’t seen this sort of behavior in a father in a long time,” said, Sheriff Jay Monitor.  Mentoring is the rarest form of passing along positive traits to another person, and has all but disappeared, especially among men.  Sociologists and scientific research shows that it all started with fatherlessness and avoidance of fatherly duty in the early 21st century.  Studies have shown that men of the early 21st century were the first generation without male role models in their lives.  In addition, divorce and single family homes led to women having more influence on boys than men.

The father, Brian Integ, commented when interviewed, “I just thought it was time to change the cycle for my son.  I was tired of not knowing how to be a man.  I want my son to know and be able to teach his son what I didn’t learn.  Maybe it’s time for other men to do the same.”

Authorities are questioning the mental state and sanity of the father and are considering action to take the son into a more socially acceptable environment.

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Open your mouth… and say “ahhhh.”

10 June 2011, 9:31 am

I recently met someone who was curious about the ministry of Men Living Up. We scheduled a lunch meeting for he and his accountability partner so that we would have enough time to tell the full story. At our lunch meeting, which lasted 2 hours, I told them how God has called me to share my story with other men.

One of the things I have experienced consistently is that when I share my story, the person I am sharing with always shares their story. So far, I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t have a story. Maybe I haven’t met the right person yet, or maybe God is just having me meet the right people. For whatever reason, guys are telling me their stories. There are so many common threads; early exposure to pornography, difficult family situations, and fatherlessness, to name just a few.

Our lunch meeting came to an end and the two men were in a mild state-of-shock. My story mirrored so much of theirs. We committed to staying in touch and checking on each other and left the meeting.

The next day one of the guys, (I’ll call him Bob) emailed me and shared that he had returned to work and a young man had approached him and asked him about the meeting. Bob shared that we had talked about the power of lust and sexual addiction. Bob shared that he had struggled with lust and sexual sin for years. (Pretty brave fella, right?) The young man’s face became pale and noticeably drawn. He walked slowly to Bob’s office door and shut it. He then proceeded to tell Bob that he had struggled with pornography for years. He was tired of the battle and wanted to overcome this but had always failed. He had never told anyone about his struggles. He asked Bob to be his accountability partner right there on the spot. Bob had experienced what we talked about at lunch within an hour of our conversation.

Men are waiting for someone to be first. So much of the Christian “walk” is not about walking at all, it’s about opening our mouth. We have to open our mouth when the Holy Spirit is speaking to us. How many opportunities have we missed because we were afraid of how the other person would react? How many lives could have been changed if we had only said what God was leading us to say?

Never had this kind of opportunity? Ask God right now to provide just one opportunity. This is a prayer God loves to answer. Be ready because it will come when you least expect it, and usually much sooner than you expect. What if Bob had just said that it was a “simple business lunch?” Would this man still be imprisoned and alone in his battle?

Remove that tongue depressor of fear and speak when the Holy Spirit tells you to.

I challenge you to “open your mouth… and say “ahhh.’

 

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Generational Differences

11 May 2011, 1:16 pm

As I’ve been speaking to men around the country, I’ve noticed a glaring difference in generations of men.

My generation, the 40+ generation, has dealt with pornography addiction by keeping secrets, shunning the spotlight, and not talking to anyone about it.  This probably comes from our parents being so secretive and embarrassed when talking about sex.  Our parents generation was the one that looked down upon divorcees, tried to ignore homosexuality, and simply believed that you needed to just try harder or pray harder to overcome your struggles.

The younger generation of today has grown up being saturated with sexual things.  Homosexuality is openly discussed and even promoted as a part of normal society.  Are there any shows on TV today that don’t have at least one person dealing with homosexual behavior or relationships? This generation knows a lot about sex.  It’s in everything they see and it’s always in front of them.  They see examples everyday about what culture says is “okay” in sexual relationships.  When you talk to these “younger folks” they are ready and willing to talk about sexual topics and the challenges they bring.  They are not embarrassed to talk about it like my generation.  Yet, they still don’t know what to do when things get out of control.  There is a lot of “sex talk” in their world, but very little help in nurturing a healthy sexual relationship and life.  Where do they turn?

If they turn to today’s culture, or pornography, they will quickly become a victim of a destructive and self-harming lifestyle.  Out-of-control is often the phrase I hear to describe how quickly they go from a little experimentation to full-blown addiction.
We must provide examples, guidance and tools for each generation to fight and win the battle against the cultural pressure to simply “join the crowd.”  The saddest thing I hear is “everybody is doing it,” or “it doesn’t hurt anyone.”  Joining the crowd and not taking a stand leads to destruction.  Would anyone want their children to try everything that is offered in today’s world?
Stand strong, fight the fight, and win the battle.

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Live’s Changed

9 May 2011, 11:05 am

It is so great to see God change a man’s life.  I recently taught a venue at a men’s retreat and was so privileged to be able to share my story once again.  God is still at work in men’s hearts.  As men, we all tend to go through life distracted. We are distracted by work. We are distracted by family and recreation.  We seldom are focused on God and what He wants to do around us.  If we could only learn to pay attention to what He is doing.  Men everywhere are looking for

real relationships with other men.  They will never say this out loud, but if you really take the time to get to know someone, they want it desperately.  Men want to know if they are the only one who struggles with “guy” issues.  The truth is, most of us struggle all of the time.  We just don’t talk about it.  The struggle may be a lack of self-confidence.  It may be worry or it may be regrets.  Many men struggle with father wounds.  What do you struggle with?  Wouldn’t it be great if you had another guy that you could trust to talk to about anything?  That’s what every man needs, but few find.  I’ve been really blessed to have an accountability partner with whom I can talk about anything.  This is one of the best things that God has placed in my life.  Begin to pray that God will do the same in your life.  This is one prayer that God will definitely answer.

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The Masks We Wear

7 April 2011, 10:42 am

Just this week I was informed of a business acquaintance who was killed in a murder-suicide.  While I wasn’t close to this person, I still find myself with a deep sense of bewilderment and sadness.  The wife was killed by her husband, who then turned the gun on himself.

We may never know the reasons for such a tragedy.  The family has to be devastated because this woman was such a joy to be around.  She was a civic leader and never met a person she didn’t like.  Everyone who knew her says that she was the kind of person who would light up a room.  She was always kind, pleasant, professional, and cheerful.  She always showed concern for others and was keenly interested in helping others.  I’m sure all of us who knew her, even if it was from a distance, are wondering… “were there any signs” that something like this could happen?

We all go through life, moment by moment, day by day, wearing masks.  We want everyone to know that we’re okay, even when many times, we’re not.  I ask myself the question, was there anything I could have done to be available to help this beautiful wife, mother, and professional?  Would she have shared some of her struggles if only I had removed my mask?  Could I have made a difference in some way, that might have prevented this terrible outcome?  God only knows.

Upon reflection, this tragedy will cause me to pause as I encounter people.  I will do my best to help them remove their mask.  The most effective way I can help them is to remove my mask.  For most of us this is the scariest thing in the world to do.  We’d rather speak to a thousand people and be absolutely “stage-fright” frozen, than to be real with another human being.

My wife had a similar experience with a co-worker many, many years ago.  He drove into the country, hooked up an extension from his exhaust pipe to his car window, and committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning.  Looking back, my wife said, “he had given several people little signs or made little comments that now makes me think he was reaching out for help.  We were all too busy, or we simply didn’t want to get involved.  We weren’t willing to risk digging deeper into his personal life.  I wish now that I had paid more attention to this hurting colleague.”

Do you wear a mask?  If so, learn to express your feelings and emotions with someone you trust.  Don’t become a person who is on a “pitty party parade.”  No one likes to be around a whiner and complainer.  But, people also don’t like to be alone when they have real problems.  Take a chance and become a transparent, open and honest person.  Become someone who is willing to risk being seen for who you really are.  You may find that you become someone who can rescue a soul from a deep dark place.  Take the chance and take off your mask.

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Ministry Competiton

7 March 2011, 11:55 am

After one of our recent articles I received an email from another ministry that was pretty disheartening.  They accused us of taking advantage of their ministry by referring to a special type of Sunday church service that we both conduct to help churches, individuals and families.  Where did this come from I thought?

As a ministry, called by our Lord Jesus Christ, we try to accomplish our work with excellence and high integrity.  We would never knowingly do something unethical or wrong.  To be honest, I kind of took it personally!  I felt hurt and angry.  I’ve learned in my 54 years to take a deep breath, pause, get control of my emotions and never respond within the first 24 hours.  Believe me, this is truly an act of self-discipline.  In the past I would have quickly shot off an email and let this ministry know just what I thought of them.

After a few hours, a feeling of deep disappointment set in.  I was so sad that two ministries couldn’t work together to reach more people.  I was disappointed that Satan had begun to drive a wedge of competition between two ministries, that were trying to reach the same people.  Isn’t that just how he works?

After much thought and prayer I sent my letter of apology to them.  Even though we had done nothing wrong, they felt wronged.  Matthew 5:24 came to mind… “leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”(NLT) How could my ministry really be blessed if I carried anger, bitterness, and a desire to compete with this other ministry?  No, I first needed to be reconciled with them.

Reconciliation can be a difficult thing.  The reality is that you can ask for forgiveness, but often times you won’t know if you have truly been forgiven.  In this case, I sent my apology letter over 6 weeks ago.  No response to date.  Should I be angry or disappointed that they didn’t accept my offer of reconciliation?  Should I hold onto bitterness that they didn’t care enough to respond?  I must find comfort in knowing that I laid my offering at the altar.  I cannot control whether the offering is picked up or used.  I must be reconciled with my feelings and emotions as much as the act of trying to reconcile.  Also, just as important, I must not go back to the altar and pick up the offering because they refused it.  If I do, the old feelings will return.  The offering was truly given to God in agreement with His scripture.  It now belongs to Him and I have no right to it.

Ministries compete all of the time.  Resources are scarce.  The economy is tough.  When funding is hard to obtain, it’s natural for us to fight for every dollar.  I hope and pray that all of us in ministry will remember that fighting amongst ourselves only damages our ministry and our reputation with each other and the world.  Instead of binding us together against the enemy, it causes a great divide.  The Lord said, “be reconciled.”  If someone has offended you, reach out and try to reconcile with them today.  It is a freeing and God ordained ministry in, and of, itself.

May God richly bless your ministry.  Let’s stand together and fight the battle.

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Twins on the way!

9 February 2011, 11:52 am

My youngest daughter and son-in-law are expecting twins in July of this year. We recently attended a “gender-party” to find out the sex of the babies. This is a new party idea, obviously created by the ladies. No guy would ever come up with this. With much fanfare and celebration, we found out that they are both boys! Papa, that’s me, is very happy. So is daddy!

This time caused me to reflect back on the time when I discovered I was going to be a “dad.” I remember the feeling of a million pound weight crashing in on me. It was so powerful and strong, I wasn’t sure I could breathe. All of the reality of discovering that I was going to be a father was causing an internal panic attack. Nobody saw it, but I was questioning whether I could do it. Was I really ready to be a dad? What books could I read to learn how to be a great dad? Who could I talk to that would have the perfect knowledge of how to be a great father? Of course, instead of doing any of this, I simply held all of these fears in. I didn’t discuss it with anyone and simply decided I would just “fly by the seat of my pants.” After all, how hard could it be to raise a reasonably well adjusted child? I didn’t really have a great father and I hadn’t turned out that bad…

Oh, if I could do things over again… I had no idea how important it is to have the skills and passion to raise your kids in the right way. I should have recognized how deeply I had been impacted, by not having the kind of loving father every kid deserves. I had many father-wounds that deeply impacted my ability to teach, nurture, and provide for the emotional needs of my children. I did it without an instruction manual. A lot of the time I fumbled, kicked and punted instead of really carrying the ball. By God’s grace my two girls have turned out to be beautiful, caring and well rounded adults.

Part of manhood is learning to pass the lessons we have learned on to our children. The most important part of fatherhood is to “ground” your children in simple, consistent principles. The Bible is the best, and most tested guide. You can trust in it’s truth and principles. It is not simply a book of wise advice. It is the instruction manual for a happy, spirit-filled existence. For dads, it is the model for us to live by. Remember, your children will learn more from what they see you do, than by what you say. Your words and actions will be a novel that they examine every day. What does the current chapter of your life tell your children about you and the life that you want them to live? Let me encourage you to take up a new pen of action and example and write a message that they will be willing to copy for their future family!

I can’t wait to hold my new grandsons. I look forward to watching my son-in-law become a great dad. I will be there to support him and share my fears and hard-earned knowledge with him. He’ll be a great dad, because I see him being a great husband already. That’s the first step. Give it a try!

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The Power of Lust

22 December 2010, 7:31 am

There are many powerful struggles that can distract or destroy men.  The most powerful of them all is sexual lust.  Why is it such a struggle for men to remain pure and holy if we are made in God’s image?

The core of the struggle has to do with the God-given desires within our hearts, mixed with a self-centered demand chained_neckfor satisfaction, apart from God.

Did God give us sexual desires?  The short answer is “yes.”  God is the one who invented sex.  God invented sex to create a unifying bond between a husband and wife.  If practiced in holy union and according to God’s plan, sex between a husband and wife creates an intimate connection that is beautiful and leaves each partner feeling completely fulfilled.  If practiced outside of God’s plan, this natural, God-designed, intimate act can leave one or both partners feeling frustrated, empty and alone.

Often a man, will act out in completely self-centered and destructive ways, either physically or through an elaborate and intense fantasy world.  Many men turn to pornography as a way to sooth their souls, without realizing how damaging and addictive  this behavior can become.  In today’s world we demand immediate satisfaction.  With the accessibility and pervasiveness of provocative  images, the Internet,  and increased sexualization of our culture, it is all too easy to simply act upon this self-centered desire.  “I will have what I want and I want it now.” The more a man turns to “false intimacy,” or pixels on a screen, the more his partner is deprived of the true intimacy that God intended for her.  Over time,  men become desensitized and unable to experience the rewards of a God-designed, truly intimate marriage.   Frustration grows, tensions rise, and pretty soon you have two people living together who are not connected at the heart.  Do you know couples like this?  Is your marriage like this?

What can you do if your life has been taken over by lust and sexual desires?  The first step is to find someone to share your story with.  Keeping this deep, dark secret only adds to the power of the struggle.  Find someone you trust and tell them what your struggles are.  You might be surprised how many men have the same struggles.  Once you bring your struggles into the light, find a small group of men and meet on a regular basis.  You will need accountability to win this battle.  This is one of the most powerful challenges that you will ever face.  You cannot do this alone.  Being alone is one of the main reasons men struggle.

Are you addicted to something?  The definition of addiction is;  the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming,  to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

If you believe you are addicted, get professional help.  There are professionally trained counselors who specialize in this area of addiction.  They can help you with a plan and assist you in understanding all of the dynamics of your addiction.  If you could have fixed this yourself, you would have already done so.

Controlling lust is one of the most challenging things that a man will ever tackle.  As men, we are taught that we can fix anything.  This is one thing that most of us will never be able to fix on our own.  Left unchecked, sexual addiction is a direct path to destruction, chaos, and self-destruction.  Becoming pure in heart, soul, and mind is possible if you seek it with a group of supportive, loving, and accepting Christian brothers.  Becoming pure requires confession to the Lord and confession to another brother in Christ.  “Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for each other that you may be healed.” James 5:16

Healing starts with confession.  Recovery starts with being transparent.  Purity is a journey.  God is willing, able, and ready to help you fight and win this battle.  Are you ready to start?

For more information, or if you have questions visit www.menlivingup.org

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Men Living Up Presenting at Men Rewired Event, April 29-30th at Falls Creek

2 December 2010, 2:14 pm

Men Living Up has been invited to present “Guarding your Church and Family from Addiction” at the popular “Men Rewired” event. Last years event drew 2,800 men from all over Oklahoma. Watch a short promotional video featuring our founder, Jerry Wright. Be sure and register to attend by visiting: menrewired.com

Here’s the video link.

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